on écrit .. on efface .. le temps passe, on regrette. on écrit .. on amasse .. on garde ..
pas vraiment sûr où je me situe dans cette boucle infernale. certes c'est pas la première fois que je m'y trouve, et il n'est encore pas le temps de s'en sortir ..

quoi écrire, et pourquoi ?

[..] nos pensés et actes ne sont que le résultat quasi inévitable d'autres facteurs plus élémentaires qui sont à leurs tour les fruits d'autres facteurs .. j'ai mes raisons même si je les ignore encore.

La fleure, tu la tient si doucement entre tes doigt. Elle perd de pétale l'une après l'autre, et avec chaque pétale perdu, tes doigt se crispent .. et la fleure perd encore de fraîcheur ..
à la fin tu te trouve avec la tige seule dans la main .. et ton sang parfumé .. est ce la vie dont je parle? la famille? l'amour? l'amitié? avant tout, c'est une fleure. tant qu'on y tient, tant qu'elle meurt .. juste une idée que j'ai voulu noter avant de l'oublier .. peut être le moi au future aura besoin de ces petites idées du moi actuel ..

bon, assez parlé .. c'est déjà la fin du début, la fin d'une nuit .. mais le grain d'un jour, le début d'une expérience sombre mais nette.

soleil pâle translucide
pièce de verre en flammes
gèle mon rêve lucide
où vagabonde mon âme

j'ai froid, je grelotte
ma main toute blanche,
fondue dans le noir de ma cape
dans la noirceur de mes pensées,
frémis..

suis je mort?

une main ..
tiède et moite
se posa en douceur
sur mon cœur

je respire .. je souris ..
je frémis
je vis
j'ai froid,
je meurs ..

je transpire la brise
si froide ..
quelque chose se brise
craque ..
mon cœur bat la chamade

elle disparais ..
sous l'ambre d'un soleil mou,
me laissant les sens quasi fous,
à la recherche d'une main,
d'un cœur ..
et d'un oreiller.

this flesh is holding me down
a living death trap
..making me bow, kneel ..crawl
once,
for I will never soar

I called the shadow
taking my shape,
by my side
with my wretched voice
my withered throat..
nothing came out
but a hush sound

He suffered a grim me..
taking light from him
mocking
torturing..
and oppressing him
in silence

don't want to know why
he is so hollow
vague
insignificant ..
following me
wherever I go,
bowing at my signal
numb.. yet silent

motionless he is
emotionless I am
we walk together
alone
the long road to the land
... of silence

[ you've reached perfection Mr.Fuseli.. ]

I spent more than an hour writing about problem loving and related thoughts, then I lost all what I've written when my PC bugged .. Kinda ironic and funny :D maybe I'll try to rewrite it later, which may give me the opportunity to add ideas I didn't think of before.

20-12-2007
well .. I was wrong. One should not "love" his problems, it's not working, at least with me. when I love my problems, they are no longer problems, and that's a problem: I no longer have the motive to face them, which increases the self destructive behaviors and things ..

so be nervous whenever you have a problem, don't sleep at night and manage to get considerably anxious .. and everything will be just fine :)

Elle mit sa main tremblante sur son coup, passa ses longs doigts sur une cicatrice bourrée de souvenirs, puis ferma les yeux pour les ouvrir aussitôt.

"Tu ne devrais pas venir ici .." dit elle en faisant l'impossible pour ne pas regarder dans ses yeux.

"On a un contrat Mademoiselle Edlyn .. les pactes de sang ne sont pas un jeu ma chérie"

Elle a pu apercevoir un sourire maléfique se dessiner sur ses lèvres fines, avant qu'il les lécha rapidement pour continuer:

- Tu connais parfaitement les règles ..

- ça sera où? dit elle, le cœur crispé.

Il fut surpris par l'interruption pour un instant avant de laisser les expressions de détente envahir son beau visage:

"même heure, même place" dit il en se tournant vers la sortie.

"et viens seule cette fois" Il ferma la porte derrière lui, laissant Edlyn totalement engourdie.

Tout a commencé un vendredi 13, quand la belle Edlyne visitait le tombeau de son bien aimé, Vlade..

I've been out of myself for a while
trying to touch these flashing lights
these happy, dancing.. perfect sparkles
taking many shapes, looking beautiful.

I haven't touched anything for so long
so I stretched my arm to catch one
but I can't do it nohow

illusions aren't hollow sceneries dancing
nor ghosts appearing real
illusions are ..
things you can see, taste, feel, love ..
and which are perfectly illusive, .. untrue.

so I turned to my shell
stepping backwards
to the only real thing I've known
and trusted..
for many years

on my fetal position
still
I can see the lights dancing
in an angelic harmony
and moving away .. far away

were they real? was I the only one fooled?
is it time to break free from this shell?
as my skepticism begun to rise
I smiled and went to the nearest edge
to sit and admire the sunset
and wonder how vast the sea is .. and what's for dinner

sometimes..
you wish you could live a moment forever
over and over and over ..
and stop the time, so it can't flow anymore.
in this static moment, silence reigns..
as there is nothing to say..
or too much to be said

let's stay here for a while
as nothing is going to happen today
in this dark, purple place
where there is no alarm yet
and no surprise

let's stay here for a while
as no one is going this way
in this mad, daily race
where there is no sun to set
and no moon to rise

let's enjoy this silent moment
feeling alive, with every breath
smiling to doom
and bowing to death
willing to bloom
and yearning to fall..

so give me your hand
and close your eyes
.. say no word
.. think no more
.. hold your breath and ..
.. stop.

you can't get me out of here,
neither can I ..

your pocket is so warm and soft,
I'll just wet it as I cry ..

let me out of it from time to time,
waiting for it a little bit to dry ..

I can't hug you I'm so tiny but,
I promise you I'll try ..

how a heartless piece of paper could be so loving you say?
I'm living, loving and yearning to fly

I'm faceless but not senseless ..
I can see with my invisible eye

every time you kiss me I feel like..
there isn't a force I can't defy

sorry death sorry doom but,
it's not yet time to die

pain can't be shared
pain lies inside
deep inside
you can turn it into dancing flowers..
as you can let it devour you
and throw what's left of you to solitude ..

a glimpse of a dark tender light
you see
a part of your soul
you let flow
..
to come
..

it won't stop now
it will come to light
one day
delighted by your touch
charmed by your caress
blessed by his void
..
one sunny day

meaningless but true
just like ..
an imperfect fairy tale

it will come

[let these words echo deep in your heart,
for you shall hear them again and again ..]

silence, the slow killer shadow
haunts me down the trail of solitude ..
as I tramp through the mud of time
it engulfs me
in an apathetic crime
where everything passes unheard ..
everything passes unseen

so to kill time
while it's slowly killing me
I draw butterflies ..
and make a list of what I'm not
and what I won't be
to learn the hard way
who I am ..
before I go

[..]

.. and thus, this journey comes to an end
leaving a bittersweet aftertaste
of an incomplete agony..
of charred ashes I walk upon,
and of a life I waste ..

I smile anyhow
'cause I know
what I've been through..
the best is yet to come!